Workaholism

It's Friday, but not really for me. I've packed my weekend full with work. Makeup and hair photoshoot tonight, wedding tomorrow AM and a lookbook shoot tomorrow afternoon. On my evenings this week I have been doing a large freelance writing job that I took on as well. I have a hard time knowing my limits and underestimate how long things take me. So it ends up that May has been literally a month of non-stop work, with the exception of Sundays, which are the days when I'm supposed to catch up with freelance writing, cleaning and other domestic things that I suck at. I feel like a big failure.

And I think I'm a workaholic. In high school I thrived on achievement, and in my adult life, I thrive on career achievement. This is a good trait that can be very bad at times. I say yes to every opportunity, and push myself to be the best in everything. And I'm tired all the time, waiting for the fun, waiting for the gratification. But on the other hand, pulling back and just living - going to work 8 to 5, working out and cleaning my room... I feel restless. There's something out there that I want to seize. Not money, I think I'm trying to earn a sense of validation. Rationally I know that validation comes from within, but that pill has been impossible for me to swallow. I'm working on it though because I don't want to live without enjoyment.

So here are some "assignments" for myself.

Go for a walk or enjoy the outdoors once a day. This does NOT mean run, work out or try to work on your fitness. Take it down a notch, just enjoy the sun.

Read for pleasure. This does not mean listen to an educational podcast, read an industry blog or do some learning. Read a bad novel or some hilarious Chelsea Handler.

Take care of yourself. Get a mystic tan. Put lotion on, paint your nails and do your hair. This does not mean do your sister's hair, friend's makeup or do a pro bono photo shoot for someone. Just be a girl, and enjoy your beauty ritual.

Light a candle, sit in your room, and do some yoga.

Play music. Don't think about your next album, next song or how Howwastheshow.com would view your composition. Just play the damn piano and like it. Let it feel the way it did at 16, when it was literally the most replenishing activity you could do.