Ke$ha, love really is a drug

Well, I've been tossing around the idea of writing on my blog again. A wonderful girl named Nicole who writes The Girl Mama inspires me daily with her candid yet concise words on life. Though she lives a much different life than me, her words find a way to echo inside of me no matter the topic. So, today I'm writing and maybe I won't write tomorrow, but I think the point is to just do it.

I recently ended a four year relationship. It's all of the things you expect. Heartbreaking, angering and devastating. I feel like a walking bruise most of the time, like my emotions are dangling from the tip of my nose. The relationship and the reason that it ended could fill a lengthy and angsty blog all on their own. But what I've found so intriguing about this whole process is that I feel wonderfully alive.

Relationships, or maybe just the ones that I've been in, help to soothe and sometimes numb me. My life has always had its share of drama. Being the daughter of an alcoholic/addict predisposes me to it. So I've learned ways to cope, as all humans do I'm sure. My most precious coping tool is my music. Hands down the best gift I've ever received is my ability to write and play music. So I use my piano to play through a lot of tough stuff. Writing is another one of my ways. But a more troublesome mechanism that I found is love. The first time I really learned of my dad's addiction was when I was 15. You know, just a slightly formative time in a girl's life. And that event also coincided with my first relationship and first love. It was so blissful, as first loves go, but I think it also started a pattern for me. Love is a drug. Love is a crutch. Love is food. Kind of like that Ke$ha song.

I definitely lean on a relationship when I have one. And I'm learning that I lean too much sometimes, when really I could power through a tough emotion alone, if I let it happen. Which brings me to the current moment. Me, boyfriend-less. Father-less (he's in jail for a bit, and more or less out of my life which brings it's own special brand of grief). And I'm at home with all the pain and anger and sadness. Just sitting. Just feeling. It's the most alive I've ever felt. I wake up slightly in awe that I'm still breathing. I wake up feeling like I'm in survival mode. And I'm fully aware, that this is an incredible life period for me. There's clarity in the sense that all I can do is focus on myself. I am my most important project right now. Forced selfishness.

And my next question will be, once I'm mended enough to think about the L word again, is how do I stay with myself, even when I'm with someone. Because as awful as some of these emotions feel, they are so precious and invigorating. I don't know who has the answer or if there's a true "how to" out there. I think there is an awareness that maybe I'm acquiring that I can take into my next foray into the battlefield of boyfriends.

New Music

Well, I've got a new CD on the way. I've chosen a producer and I've got the track listing sort of set. I'm trying to maintain my focus on the music without it feeling like work. The last time I went through the album process, I lost some of the joy I had for playing. I want to be careful this time around, to love the process, and not put heavy expectations on myself. It's going to be a balancing act but I am really hopeful that this album will get the exposure it deserves. I know so much more now about how to promote the music, especially online. My day job is Online Marketing Specialist, which I love, and basically means I can promote things through web, social and digital media. I'm ready...but not TOOO eager, to get this music out. I want this to feel better than the last time.

here's to the new year and my new music.

Quote for Impatient Hearts

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

R.M. Rilke

no secret

It's funny how I have all these mediums where I participate socially. Twitter for work, twitter for personal use, twitter for my makeup business, twitter for my writing. It's exhausting partitioning myself into each channel, but the alternative, is to be wholeheartedly exactly who I am all in one place.... Which doesn't work so well for business, and is pretty boring on the personal front. Like, no one wants to read about my marketing clients on this blog. And no one wants to see me Tweet about Gossip Girl on my business feed.

But what I've realized is that with music (my ultimate passion)...If I had a Twitter account or Facebook page or anything like it for my musical self - I would write anything, and I would feel okay with it. Music is the culmination of all things for me - the mundane to the heart-wrenching. Or, at least that's the goal when I write music. To be authentic.

Let's hope I can continue to write as authentically as possible.

Explosions in the Sky

At work. Listening to Explosions in the Sky which is an instrumental band from Austin Texas. It's the kind of music that breaks your heart in a good way.

www.explosionsinthesky.com

Halloween success

Our celebration was a success. My Pocahontas costume was a hit, and bonus - it's so short I can use it as a figure skating costume should I decide to make a foray into that sport. My roommates and I were going to have a party but no one could really show up, which bruised my ego a bit. But Halloween is a busy night, and many a party was being thrown, so I don't feel too sad. Plus, I had all the friends I needed. Sister, friends, Lane and I.

Colors of the Wind

It has been decided. I will be Pocahontas for Halloween. But not just your old, run of the mill Pocahottie, with short fringed dress and feather atop the head. I will do some bad-ass makeup and hair styling.

Look, it's my favorite, Tori Amos, as Pocahontas.

Love.

Ouch.

Flew home from Phoenix last night. I was there to visit friend Julie. She's getting hitched in December...in Williston. It was a bachelorette celebration of sorts.

On my return flight I was shocked to realize I was in seat 1A. As in the first seat on the plane, in First Class. I have never flown First Class...the closest I've come to it is a sleeper car on the Amtrak. I had no idea why I was upgraded, and felt like an impostor. I clutched my boarding pass with my seat assignment just in case someone called me out. No one did.

There is free wine in First Class. And I have a headache today.

Very Important Halloween Post.

Halloween Debate, what should I be:
A. Cleopatra: fun makeup, sassy black wig.



B. Annie Oakley/Calamity Jane, slutty saloon type costume...with a pistol!!!!


C. Joan Holloway from Mad Men. The vampy red head from my favorite tv show. Think lots of boobs and pencil skirt!

Congratulations

To Angela and Michael Mathers on their 5 year anniversary. How young they were when they married! I am so in awe of people who carry on healthy lasting relationships. To have another person that is your partner and a witness to your joy and pain is a fundamental need in life. A poem from Jim Moore a great Twin Cities poet.

LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE

(Colorado Springs, Colorado)

Last night you sat on the couch

conjugating verbs. I was at the window,

one eye on the dark and untranslatable

stone of the mountain. But the other eye

watched you as you chanted Italian.

I too am learning a verb: to love--

past, present, imperfect, future.

But I keep forgetting how hard it is

to speak a language so foreign

to my tongue. Later,

in bed, you are still reading

from the book of answers.

I fall asleep with the light on,

my back fitting easily into the small cave

of your warmth. I dream you learned

the imperfect, then whispered it

in my ear. The next morning

I wake up first and sit

before the same window.

The world's imperfect beauty

sings its song into my ear.

Out of the darkness,

the mountain rises into light,

untranslatable joy,

happiness in the present tense.

Social Media Maven

I am the opposite of a ludite. I embrace all new social technologies, well not all (Myspace go away). I am quick to learn the newest social networks and use them to their potential. What is fascinating is how social media is the newest marketing phenomenon. It makes sense that the new channels for communication are being scoped and used for profit. But what's really interesting is that big companies are turning to younger people to be their social marketing gurus. So, the fact that I am a glutton for Facebook and Twitter updates makes me a hot commodity. I know what is appealing in the social sphere, I know how to work the social sphere, and I am thus an asset.

who knew.

Workaholism

It's Friday, but not really for me. I've packed my weekend full with work. Makeup and hair photoshoot tonight, wedding tomorrow AM and a lookbook shoot tomorrow afternoon. On my evenings this week I have been doing a large freelance writing job that I took on as well. I have a hard time knowing my limits and underestimate how long things take me. So it ends up that May has been literally a month of non-stop work, with the exception of Sundays, which are the days when I'm supposed to catch up with freelance writing, cleaning and other domestic things that I suck at. I feel like a big failure.

And I think I'm a workaholic. In high school I thrived on achievement, and in my adult life, I thrive on career achievement. This is a good trait that can be very bad at times. I say yes to every opportunity, and push myself to be the best in everything. And I'm tired all the time, waiting for the fun, waiting for the gratification. But on the other hand, pulling back and just living - going to work 8 to 5, working out and cleaning my room... I feel restless. There's something out there that I want to seize. Not money, I think I'm trying to earn a sense of validation. Rationally I know that validation comes from within, but that pill has been impossible for me to swallow. I'm working on it though because I don't want to live without enjoyment.

So here are some "assignments" for myself.

Go for a walk or enjoy the outdoors once a day. This does NOT mean run, work out or try to work on your fitness. Take it down a notch, just enjoy the sun.

Read for pleasure. This does not mean listen to an educational podcast, read an industry blog or do some learning. Read a bad novel or some hilarious Chelsea Handler.

Take care of yourself. Get a mystic tan. Put lotion on, paint your nails and do your hair. This does not mean do your sister's hair, friend's makeup or do a pro bono photo shoot for someone. Just be a girl, and enjoy your beauty ritual.

Light a candle, sit in your room, and do some yoga.

Play music. Don't think about your next album, next song or how Howwastheshow.com would view your composition. Just play the damn piano and like it. Let it feel the way it did at 16, when it was literally the most replenishing activity you could do.

Mystic Tan: Or how I lost my mind in Minneapolis

I'm pale. Lily white skin, in the words of my dad. In high school I tanned a bit -before proms and formals. But now I am anti tan. As a makeup artist, and former beauty sales consultant I sold too many expensive wrinkle creams to put myself under the aging sun. So I've suffered many summers embarrassingly fair. But last week, I got a spray tan. That's right, I stripped down and had a machine methodically spray my body with dye. And I look good.

Do not underestimate what a tan can do for your psyche. In my head, I felt 20 pounds thinner and immediately more awesome. I went out to downtown Minneapolis the day after my spray tan with the intention of sipping a cocktail and being the respectable girl that I am, but the tan went to my head. The classy martini led way to shots and other forgotten drinks.

I proceeded to dance as if I was a girl in a Poison rock video. Hair swinging and all. The next morning I was embarrassed, and my tan was a little worse for the wear but I have been converted. Not normally one to fret about my appearance (despite being a makeup artist) I think a little (fake) tan is just what I need for a summer of self-esteem.

Need Zen

So many things going on! All good, but all stressful.

1. Meeting with the owner of upscale, well known restaurant in Minneapolis to discuss pro bono Internet Marketing. Good networking for me, and portfolio building. '

2. Lot's of bridal inquiries and other opportunities outside of weddings. Looking at sharing a studio space. Meeting with photog tonight in Northeast. Didn't think I would be ready for studio space until Winter or next year. It's all happening fast, and I hope I make the right decisions to build a reputable brand/business.

3. Music! CD on iTunes, and new songs being recorded end of June. Open mic at Anodyne, next Friday June 5th. Hope to play new stuff. Maybe I'll work up a cover song. I've been trying to think of good ideas. I was thinking End of The Innocence by Don Henley or Tougher than the Rest by Chris Ledoux.

4. I'm feeling stronger about the fact that my boyfriend is always gone. Not taking it personally, instead being proud that he's a hard working man, and that we're working together now to position an awesome life for ourselves. Awww.

5. Savannah. Going to go to visit Kristen beginning of July. Martie will be there then as well, and she's one of my favorite people. Bonus: I have a free plane ticket to use from united from getting bumped from a flight. Free trip!

Ahhh. positive things. Think positive. I wish I had more time in the day.

I've Decided

I will begin blogging again. Just not right now :)

Lots of stuff going on in my life: music, makeup, work

I like it all, so I will write about it soon.

Matt Damon Rips Sarah Palin

I'm not crazy about what Matt Damon said about Palin in the media. I don't support McCain Palin, but I just feel that his argument is pretty empty. Doesn't he know he's entering the danger zone by uttering the words "just a Hockey mom". Though I think I know what he meant by his argument that Palin doesn't have experience, is narrow minded, etc. he really stated it offensively. If I were a hockey mom I think I'd be pissed. Also... why is it okay for Barack to only have 1 term in the Senate, yet Palin's experience is being scrutinized for being scant. Mayor of a small town... just a governor for 1? term. Ahh how to fight the spin! I understand why people are too frustrated to even vote because trying to decipher one's feelings about politics is like watching your parents get divorced. Each one gives you a very sound argument about why the other one sucks. And you believe each parent whole-heartedly - and then you feel confused.

p.s. I don't know the facts about Palin and Obama's experience well, so correct me if I'm wrong. I just need the truth man.

Impact?!

Cadbury's Gorilla Advert Aug 31st 2007

Yes!

The Greatest Cat Power

This video reminded me of my grandma. She used to bowl really well. It was something her husband, my grandpa, didn't like her to do. The truth is, he didn't like her to go out much. He was a traditional man and the jealous type. They had 7 children in a shack if I've ever seen one, not too far from where I grew up. And every time I have the pleasure to drive by it, I'm in awe of my grandma. Not because she had 7 kids, though that's surely impressive, but because she went bowling. She went bowling and she won tournaments. She painted and sewed clothing for extra money. She worked at a floral shop. She is the first artist I ever knew and she tought me how to paint. It's very beautiful how she found a way to be more than a dairy farmer's wife. She still paints and sews. She even conquered computers and she can email with the best of them. I look to her example when I feel like there's no way I can be all things that I want to be. Maybe I'll be tired at the end of my days, but at least I will have gone bowling.

Televators (music video)

The Mars Volta. A major favorite of mine the summer before I came to Minnesota. I saw them play at the now defunct Quest. The most intense live show I've ever seen. The lead singer climbed up the side of the stage on some scaffolding-like stuff. Wild. Good prep for my first year of college - wild and intense.