Very Big Key

Ke$ha, love really is a drug

2010-05-28T13:50:00.000-07:00

Well, I've been tossing around the idea of writing on my blog again. A wonderful girl named Nicole who writes The Girl Mama inspires me daily with her candid yet concise words on life. Though she lives a much different life than me, her words find a way to echo inside of me no matter the topic. So, today I'm writing and maybe I won't write tomorrow, but I think the point is to just do it.

I recently ended a four year relationship. It's all of the things you expect. Heartbreaking, angering and devastating. I feel like a walking bruise most of the time, like my emotions are dangling from the tip of my nose. The relationship and the reason that it ended could fill a lengthy and angsty blog all on their own. But what I've found so intriguing about this whole process is that I feel wonderfully alive.

Relationships, or maybe just the ones that I've been in, help to soothe and sometimes numb me. My life has always had its share of drama. Being the daughter of an alcoholic/addict predisposes me to it. So I've learned ways to cope, as all humans do I'm sure. My most precious coping tool is my music. Hands down the best gift I've ever received is my ability to write and play music. So I use my piano to play through a lot of tough stuff. Writing is another one of my ways. But a more troublesome mechanism that I found is love. The first time I really learned of my dad's addiction was when I was 15. You know, just a slightly formative time in a girl's life. And that event also coincided with my first relationship and first love. It was so blissful, as first loves go, but I think it also started a pattern for me. Love is a drug. Love is a crutch. Love is food. Kind of like that Ke$ha song.

I definitely lean on a relationship when I have one. And I'm learning that I lean too much sometimes, when really I could power through a tough emotion alone, if I let it happen. Which brings me to the current moment. Me, boyfriend-less. Father-less (he's in jail for a bit, and more or less out of my life which brings it's own special brand of grief). And I'm at home with all the pain and anger and sadness. Just sitting. Just feeling. It's the most alive I've ever felt. I wake up slightly in awe that I'm still breathing. I wake up feeling like I'm in survival mode. And I'm fully aware, that this is an incredible life period for me. There's clarity in the sense that all I can do is focus on myself. I am my most important project right now. Forced selfishness.

And my next question will be, once I'm mended enough to think about the L word again, is how do I stay with myself, even when I'm with someone. Because as awful as some of these emotions feel, they are so precious and invigorating. I don't know who has the answer or if there's a true "how to" out there. I think there is an awareness that maybe I'm acquiring that I can take into my next foray into the battlefield of boyfriends.

New Music

2010-01-28T06:09:00.000-08:00

Well, I've got a new CD on the way. I've chosen a producer and I've got the track listing sort of set. I'm trying to maintain my focus on the music without it feeling like work. The last time I went through the album process, I lost some of the joy I had for playing. I want to be careful this time around, to love the process, and not put heavy expectations on myself. It's going to be a balancing act but I am really hopeful that this album will get the exposure it deserves. I know so much more now about how to promote the music, especially online. My day job is Online Marketing Specialist, which I love, and basically means I can promote things through web, social and digital media. I'm ready...but not TOOO eager, to get this music out. I want this to feel better than the last time.

here's to the new year and my new music.

Quote for Impatient Hearts

2010-01-08T14:37:00.000-08:00

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

R.M. Rilke

no secret

2009-11-10T12:05:00.000-08:00

It's funny how I have all these mediums where I participate socially. Twitter for work, twitter for personal use, twitter for my makeup business, twitter for my writing. It's exhausting partitioning myself into each channel, but the alternative, is to be wholeheartedly exactly who I am all in one place.... Which doesn't work so well for business, and is pretty boring on the personal front. Like, no one wants to read about my marketing clients on this blog. And no one wants to see me Tweet about Gossip Girl on my business feed.

But what I've realized is that with music (my ultimate passion)...If I had a Twitter account or Facebook page or anything like it for my musical self - I would write anything, and I would feel okay with it. Music is the culmination of all things for me - the mundane to the heart-wrenching. Or, at least that's the goal when I write music. To be authentic.

Let's hope I can continue to write as authentically as possible.

Explosions in the Sky

2009-11-03T12:31:00.001-08:00

At work. Listening to Explosions in the Sky which is an instrumental band from Austin Texas. It's the kind of music that breaks your heart in a good way.

www.explosionsinthesky.com

Halloween success

2009-11-02T12:40:00.001-08:00

Our celebration was a success. My Pocahontas costume was a hit, and bonus - it's so short I can use it as a figure skating costume should I decide to make a foray into that sport. My roommates and I were going to have a party but no one could really show up, which bruised my ego a bit. But Halloween is a busy night, and many a party was being thrown, so I don't feel too sad. Plus, I had all the friends I needed. Sister, friends, Lane and I.

Colors of the Wind

2009-10-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

It has been decided. I will be Pocahontas for Halloween. But not just your old, run of the mill Pocahottie, with short fringed dress and feather atop the head. I will do some bad-ass makeup and hair styling.

Look, it's my favorite, Tori Amos, as Pocahontas.

Love.

Ouch.

2009-10-26T09:02:00.000-07:00

Flew home from Phoenix last night. I was there to visit friend Julie. She's getting hitched in December...in Williston. It was a bachelorette celebration of sorts.

On my return flight I was shocked to realize I was in seat 1A. As in the first seat on the plane, in First Class. I have never flown First Class...the closest I've come to it is a sleeper car on the Amtrak. I had no idea why I was upgraded, and felt like an impostor. I clutched my boarding pass with my seat assignment just in case someone called me out. No one did.

There is free wine in First Class. And I have a headache today.

Very Important Halloween Post.

2009-10-21T14:08:00.000-07:00

Halloween Debate, what should I be:
A. Cleopatra: fun makeup, sassy black wig.

B. Annie Oakley/Calamity Jane, slutty saloon type costume...with a pistol!!!!

C. Joan Holloway from Mad Men. The vampy red head from my favorite tv show. Think lots of boobs and pencil skirt!

Congratulations

2009-07-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

To Angela and Michael Mathers on their 5 year anniversary. How young they were when they married! I am so in awe of people who carry on healthy lasting relationships. To have another person that is your partner and a witness to your joy and pain is a fundamental need in life. A poem from Jim Moore a great Twin Cities poet.

LEARNING A NEW LANGUAGE

(Colorado Springs, Colorado)

Last night you sat on the couch

conjugating verbs. I was at the window,

one eye on the dark and untranslatable

stone of the mountain. But the other eye

watched you as you chanted Italian.

I too am learning a verb: to love--

past, present, imperfect, future.

But I keep forgetting how hard it is

to speak a language so foreign

to my tongue. Later,

in bed, you are still reading

from the book of answers.

I fall asleep with the light on,

my back fitting easily into the small cave

of your warmth. I dream you learned

the imperfect, then whispered it

in my ear. The next morning

I wake up first and sit

before the same window.

The world's imperfect beauty

sings its song into my ear.

Out of the darkness,

the mountain rises into light,

untranslatable joy,

happiness in the present tense.

Social Media Maven

2009-06-12T10:52:00.001-07:00

I am the opposite of a ludite. I embrace all new social technologies, well not all (Myspace go away). I am quick to learn the newest social networks and use them to their potential. What is fascinating is how social media is the newest marketing phenomenon. It makes sense that the new channels for communication are being scoped and used for profit. But what's really interesting is that big companies are turning to younger people to be their social marketing gurus. So, the fact that I am a glutton for Facebook and Twitter updates makes me a hot commodity. I know what is appealing in the social sphere, I know how to work the social sphere, and I am thus an asset.

who knew.

Workaholism

2009-06-05T06:15:00.001-07:00

It's Friday, but not really for me. I've packed my weekend full with work. Makeup and hair photoshoot tonight, wedding tomorrow AM and a lookbook shoot tomorrow afternoon. On my evenings this week I have been doing a large freelance writing job that I took on as well. I have a hard time knowing my limits and underestimate how long things take me. So it ends up that May has been literally a month of non-stop work, with the exception of Sundays, which are the days when I'm supposed to catch up with freelance writing, cleaning and other domestic things that I suck at. I feel like a big failure.

And I think I'm a workaholic. In high school I thrived on achievement, and in my adult life, I thrive on career achievement. This is a good trait that can be very bad at times. I say yes to every opportunity, and push myself to be the best in everything. And I'm tired all the time, waiting for the fun, waiting for the gratification. But on the other hand, pulling back and just living - going to work 8 to 5, working out and cleaning my room... I feel restless. There's something out there that I want to seize. Not money, I think I'm trying to earn a sense of validation. Rationally I know that validation comes from within, but that pill has been impossible for me to swallow. I'm working on it though because I don't want to live without enjoyment.

So here are some "assignments" for myself.

Go for a walk or enjoy the outdoors once a day. This does NOT mean run, work out or try to work on your fitness. Take it down a notch, just enjoy the sun.

Read for pleasure. This does not mean listen to an educational podcast, read an industry blog or do some learning. Read a bad novel or some hilarious Chelsea Handler.

Take care of yourself. Get a mystic tan. Put lotion on, paint your nails and do your hair. This does not mean do your sister's hair, friend's makeup or do a pro bono photo shoot for someone. Just be a girl, and enjoy your beauty ritual.

Light a candle, sit in your room, and do some yoga.

Play music. Don't think about your next album, next song or how Howwastheshow.com would view your composition. Just play the damn piano and like it. Let it feel the way it did at 16, when it was literally the most replenishing activity you could do.

Mystic Tan: Or how I lost my mind in Minneapolis

2009-05-29T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm pale. Lily white skin, in the words of my dad. In high school I tanned a bit -before proms and formals. But now I am anti tan. As a makeup artist, and former beauty sales consultant I sold too many expensive wrinkle creams to put myself under the aging sun. So I've suffered many summers embarrassingly fair. But last week, I got a spray tan. That's right, I stripped down and had a machine methodically spray my body with dye. And I look good.

Do not underestimate what a tan can do for your psyche. In my head, I felt 20 pounds thinner and immediately more awesome. I went out to downtown Minneapolis the day after my spray tan with the intention of sipping a cocktail and being the respectable girl that I am, but the tan went to my head. The classy martini led way to shots and other forgotten drinks.

I proceeded to dance as if I was a girl in a Poison rock video. Hair swinging and all. The next morning I was embarrassed, and my tan was a little worse for the wear but I have been converted. Not normally one to fret about my appearance (despite being a makeup artist) I think a little (fake) tan is just what I need for a summer of self-esteem.

Need Zen

2009-05-28T13:56:00.000-07:00

So many things going on! All good, but all stressful.

1. Meeting with the owner of upscale, well known restaurant in Minneapolis to discuss pro bono Internet Marketing. Good networking for me, and portfolio building. '

2. Lot's of bridal inquiries and other opportunities outside of weddings. Looking at sharing a studio space. Meeting with photog tonight in Northeast. Didn't think I would be ready for studio space until Winter or next year. It's all happening fast, and I hope I make the right decisions to build a reputable brand/business.

3. Music! CD on iTunes, and new songs being recorded end of June. Open mic at Anodyne, next Friday June 5th. Hope to play new stuff. Maybe I'll work up a cover song. I've been trying to think of good ideas. I was thinking End of The Innocence by Don Henley or Tougher than the Rest by Chris Ledoux.

4. I'm feeling stronger about the fact that my boyfriend is always gone. Not taking it personally, instead being proud that he's a hard working man, and that we're working together now to position an awesome life for ourselves. Awww.

5. Savannah. Going to go to visit Kristen beginning of July. Martie will be there then as well, and she's one of my favorite people. Bonus: I have a free plane ticket to use from united from getting bumped from a flight. Free trip!

Ahhh. positive things. Think positive. I wish I had more time in the day.

I've Decided

2009-05-27T11:22:00.001-07:00

I will begin blogging again. Just not right now :)

Lots of stuff going on in my life: music, makeup, work

I like it all, so I will write about it soon.

Matt Damon Rips Sarah Palin

2008-09-11T13:29:00.001-07:00

I'm not crazy about what Matt Damon said about Palin in the media. I don't support McCain Palin, but I just feel that his argument is pretty empty. Doesn't he know he's entering the danger zone by uttering the words "just a Hockey mom". Though I think I know what he meant by his argument that Palin doesn't have experience, is narrow minded, etc. he really stated it offensively. If I were a hockey mom I think I'd be pissed. Also... why is it okay for Barack to only have 1 term in the Senate, yet Palin's experience is being scrutinized for being scant. Mayor of a small town... just a governor for 1? term. Ahh how to fight the spin! I understand why people are too frustrated to even vote because trying to decipher one's feelings about politics is like watching your parents get divorced. Each one gives you a very sound argument about why the other one sucks. And you believe each parent whole-heartedly - and then you feel confused.

p.s. I don't know the facts about Palin and Obama's experience well, so correct me if I'm wrong. I just need the truth man.

Impact?!

2008-07-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

Cadbury's Gorilla Advert Aug 31st 2007

2008-06-30T18:27:00.001-07:00

Yes!

The Greatest Cat Power

2008-05-16T09:36:00.001-07:00

This video reminded me of my grandma. She used to bowl really well. It was something her husband, my grandpa, didn't like her to do. The truth is, he didn't like her to go out much. He was a traditional man and the jealous type. They had 7 children in a shack if I've ever seen one, not too far from where I grew up. And every time I have the pleasure to drive by it, I'm in awe of my grandma. Not because she had 7 kids, though that's surely impressive, but because she went bowling. She went bowling and she won tournaments. She painted and sewed clothing for extra money. She worked at a floral shop. She is the first artist I ever knew and she tought me how to paint. It's very beautiful how she found a way to be more than a dairy farmer's wife. She still paints and sews. She even conquered computers and she can email with the best of them. I look to her example when I feel like there's no way I can be all things that I want to be. Maybe I'll be tired at the end of my days, but at least I will have gone bowling.

Televators (music video)

2008-05-12T13:30:00.001-07:00

The Mars Volta. A major favorite of mine the summer before I came to Minnesota. I saw them play at the now defunct Quest. The most intense live show I've ever seen. The lead singer climbed up the side of the stage on some scaffolding-like stuff. Wild. Good prep for my first year of college - wild and intense.

Musical Conquistador!

2008-04-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

I admit that I never really "got" Bjork. Not digestible to me. But I was listening to Pandora which is this handy radio smorgasbord. You type in what artist or song you are craving and it will play songs related to that choice. They call it the music genome project. What's even more interesting is the analysis of each song and why they play it in relation to your chosen song or artist. A ton of research goes into each song and artist. Whether they are piano-based, have djembe instrumentation, lyrical focus...etc. Cool.

So, I wanted to have a Kristin Hersh atmosphere tonight. I typed it in, and got some interesting related tunes. And then Bjork's Unravel. This song blew my mind. I finally get Bjork. She used to be cacophony, but I think I finally accessed what everyone else loves about Bjork.

I had a similar experience with Ani DiFranco in high school. Not palatable until I heard "Swan Dive" After that song, I found a way in to all her others. I'm excited about Bjork.

However, I will never "get" Nickelback. No way, no how.

Reeboks with the straps

2008-04-20T21:25:00.001-07:00

Brynn: lower right. Leotard. Reeboks. John Candy-looking face.

Oh yeah, leg warmers too.

Plug Shamelessness

2008-04-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

I played music on Sunday. Fun times. A reviewer compared me to Norah Jones and Vanessa Carlton. He forgot to mention that I rival those raven-haired songstresses in lyrical intelligence. That's right, I said it.

A Burning Question

2008-04-11T13:10:00.001-07:00

I have two vices. Cats and entertainment news/gossip.

My question is, which is worse? I mean I tried to give up entertainment gossip for Lent last year and I ended up with Last Supper Syndrome and bought every grocery store aisle tabloid in one shot. Major binge. As for the cat-ladyness, I have a cat. I bought him a Santa costume for Christmas. I talk to him, mostly when I'm drunk, but I talk to him.

I guess it doesn't matter which is worse. If I try to stop, I'll end up with an apartment with 14 cats that pee all over the piles of National Enquirers and Us Weekly.

what a wonderful world

2008-04-11T09:27:00.000-07:00

I came across this document List of songs deemed inappropriate by Clear Channel following the September 11, 2001 attacks on another blog.

Apparently after the 9/11 attacks Clear Channel developed and distributed a banned-song list. Radio stations were not to play these songs including, "What a Wonderful World" by Louis Armstrong, Rage Against the Machine - all songs and Alanis Morissette "Ironic"

Whether I agree with censorship or not - I don't think banning Alanis Morissette really helped U.S. morale. Actually, finding out that there was a list like this distributed kind of kills what little morale I have towards radio stations.

We must be learning...

2008-04-01T14:12:00.001-07:00

Ad Age posted some news about Canadian Club doing well with its new strategy. Looks like we pegged a winner. Does this mean that we're learning?

http://adage.com/article.php?article_id=126049

Mother of God

2008-03-26T23:39:00.001-07:00

The best snow

2008-03-21T10:55:00.000-07:00

This is the best snow for making forts and snow sculptures. I'm going to enjoy it.

I am a domestic Goddess.

2008-02-27T12:27:00.000-08:00

But I revolt sometimes and really mess my place up. It helps to have my own apartment. I use a new cereal bowl every time. I eat a lot of cereal, and I use a new goddamn bowl and spoon every time. When I wash them, about two weeks later I call myself a dirty lazy glutton. But no one can see the cereal bowls. So I continue my cereal masochism over and over. One time when my sisters and I were young, my mom got tired of her martyrdom as Supreme Laundress of all towels. We used towels like crazy. It was back when we were preteen which is like being a teen anyway. You feel dirty and pudgy all the time, so you shower and think you’re glorious and pretty afterwards. My mom comes from the laundry room with a Sharpie and a sinister look that only harried moms get. I mean those were devil eyes. She takes a big damp towel off the floor and writes BRYNN in black letters, with pure rage. Then she took two more floppy towels and did the same for my sisters. With those sparkly mad eyes she said something like “one towel a day” All I remember is her wild rage though. I liked my mom most then, because she was believable. She just couldn't’t take it anymore. She shouldn't’t have taken it. Some of her best role modeling was when she snapped like that. I think I’ll throw all my bowls out my window except one. So I only use one bowl at a time. Or, I’ll write BRYNN on my bowl to remind myself that I can’t keep washing dishes. It’s punishing and I’m better than that.

My Apex

2008-02-20T12:18:00.000-08:00

I've reached my creative peak. I took my first product photo. Even more exhilerating is the NASCAR logo in the lower right. A thing of beauty.

Karma

2008-02-14T11:23:00.000-08:00

I, do not feel good.

I could leave work. I don't have a set schedule here. But I feel guilty. Because when I was NOT sick, I called in sick to work. I assume this is karma. In my throat and nose and sad droopy eyes.

Quite the culture here at 3M.
I'm not sayin, but if I was sayin, It's man-centric. Even the webpage. I mean, throw in some fun graphics, you're 3M! Since, I have a huge massive major crush on Craig Ferguson. Maybe 3M should hire him as spokesman. Get it? Scotch tape? Scotch comedian? Puh-leeze! I'm sick, and I have no one to hold my hand.

Be mine.

I just found this online. Craig will be in Minneapolis. Divine Valentine's treat.
Minneapolis, MN
Friday, February 22, 2008: TBDState Theater805 Hennepin AvenueMinneapolis, MN 55402(612) 673-0404

2008-02-07T12:33:00.000-08:00

Should I be worried?

2008-02-06T10:20:00.000-08:00

I got a cat calendar for Christmas. I hung it up in a covert area. But... I really like it.

Someday:

Simple Pleasures

2008-02-01T08:29:00.000-08:00

Happiness is html code in the morning. I'm actually learning this and I feel like Einstein.

I can basically communicate with all computers now.
10011011001100101001100101000.

Happily Ever?

2008-01-31T12:28:00.000-08:00

So, after Dianna talked about the Happily Ever campaign for Equinox fitness club, I was curious to see if it was Fallon's work. I actually saw the same ad that she did (right) and thought it was terrible. I've been reading more about the collaborators and the pitch. I want to be careful in critiquing anything on my meager ad education, but I think this campaign is a miss.

Fallon worked with fashion photographer Ellen von Unwerth to create an edgy campaign for an equally edgy gym. I just don't see how anyone will look at the ad and equate it with fitness.

One in every crowd?

2008-01-25T12:36:00.000-08:00

I don't have a significant work background, but I've noticed a trend. The requisite Crazy Old Lady. The first: Merrilly, at Marshall Field's in Downtown St. Paul. Heavy smoker (this is a prerequesite to the archetype) serious attention to fashion, and spitfire-y. Merrilly and I worked together selling makeup and perfume. She was an expert and veteran in sales. That raspy voice and overly-shellacked makeup was intimidating enough to make you buy synthetic crap. Tommy Hilfiger, Ralph Lauren, you know, the standards. Although, she claimed "I'd never buy from that Hilfiger bastard, he hates Jews." Which is a curious rumor started in the 90's about Hilfiger - that he's racist. The current crazy, is the office secretary. Though, I would describe her as pre-Merrilly, she does the smoking and the too-much-makeup thing. Raspy voice for sure. In fact I hear it wafting over the beige wall of my cube right now. She truly is crazy in training. I love her though. As a young'n in the office these ladies have always been motherly, helping me feel better about my entry-level status. She tells me stories and then lets out a scratchy laugh. Vaguely maniacal, yet soothing because at least she talks to me.

Over and out boyyyy.

yep.

2008-01-09T12:08:00.001-08:00

It’s incredible how bored one person can be. I feel real flat. Like in Who Killed Roger Rabbit where the cartoons get flattened in that scary machine. Yanked right out of toon town into dull lifeless life. Well that was morbid. But really, I’m at work and it’s effing ghost town in my head. Copy and pasting the day away. I’d give anything to be back in kindergarten really pasting shit. I’d probably even consider huffing the stuff if I had some right next to me now. In fact, I do have some 3M Liquid Wax on my desk, which I’m supposed write vibrant copy about. Let’s see how vibrant the copy will be once I do lines of it off my desk.